sometimes life doesn’t go as we plan it to. if you’d have told me ten years ago that i’d be living in a trailer with three cats five lots way from my boyfriend of seven years, i’d have stuck my nose up, laughed in your face telling you that you’re completely ridiculous. but, here i am, living that life. so, who knows what sort of life i’ll be living ten years from now. i have this sort of problem with making plans and sticking with them. not the sort of short term plans i make with people, like “hey, let’s go out tomorrow night!” no, i mean the serious commitment sort of plans. see, those sort of plans require solidity. i don’t have that. sometimes i think i know exactly what i want with my future, but i guess that’s impossible; to know exactly what i want. life changes. in fact, the only constant in life is change. which is an oxymoron… life is full of oxymorons. ha.

so, i guess sometimes when i look back on life; which isn’t worth dwelling on; i can see that no matter what i want in life now, that may change with the blink of an eye. sometimes it takes more than just me to decide what my future plans are. if my plans require the decisions of someone else, then i really don’t have any control. as if i had any control in them anyhow. i’d like to think that everything i chose to do, every action i take is what determines my future; but it doesn’t. most of my life is completely out of my control. no matter how hard i work, or how hard i think way too much, life has it’s own path. it’s up to me to pray that things will work out as god has planned… sounds silly to some; sounds like faith to me.

recently i thought i was going to lose everything i have worked so hard for. my design future. being told that you’re not working hard enough, & if you don’t push harder you’ll lose it all in a ten minute meeting with your professors is well, scary.

this is the last semester of my sixth year in college. that’s a long time. & when it took me a really long time to find that one thing i’m extremely passionate about, it’s hard to think i could lose it all so quickly. then i remembered all the times i couldn’t stop complaining. i just couldn’t get past the negative qualities. { which are sometimes hard to look past; it’s just so easy to point the finger at any blame other than yourself. } sure, there are some definate negative qualities about everything, but that doesn’t mean that a person shouldn’t look at the positive things instead.

i look back to all the times i have failed during my life & i realize that i’ve had some pretty big failures. but something good came out of each of those failures; it’s the good that i remember. i’ve realized that for me, it’s time that i push harder, as hard as i possibly can. taking for granted everything i’ve worked hard for { even the negative things } is just a waste of precious time.

i don’t really know what i am doing…i’m new at this, gimmie a break. hopefully i can figure this blog thing out…